“I take comfort in junk mail…”
Call me a cynic but I take deep pleasure in reading demotivational posters, e.g. "Quality: the race for quality has no finish line – so technically it’s more like a death march." But for me, it's real. And I've been depressed - multiple times as a teenager and young adult and this isn't it.
I couldn't write this yesterday. I had 'school refusal': a tightening abdomen, mild nausea, butterflies in the stomach, slight anxiety, creeping dread, excessive sighing, blanking out introspection; not enough to stay in bed (anyway, after three weeks traveling and lieu time that would only increase the work backlog). But enough to know that I don't often enjoy my job anymore; I take comfort in junk mail - it's a way to tell me I have less e-mails per day than it would otherwise seem (though I was lucky yesterday just to get through reading all the real ones backed up over three working days and respond to some of the easy ones).
I call it 'school refusal' because I'm not depressed and not burned out and it reminds me of my childhood (and my children!) Demotivated yes, but fully functional - better today than yesterday anyway. Often overwhelmed by work to the point of major compromise (don't talk to me about quality - please!) But still going after several years and no worse - in some ways better - than much of the last four.
Do other development workers feel something similar? Or is it just me?
1 comment:
Does this reflects the lack of satisfactory career progressions in the humanitarian sector?
At some point, your working life becomes the dead handed bureaucracy ("management") you so hated early in your career, with objectives so remote from the aims of the organisation it's painful to continue the work.
It's easy to excuse yourself for doing it: "I'm influencing at a strategic level". Sure, but you're not happy, right?
Time for an extended stint up-line in the bush, the desert and other squalid garrets where humanity is forced to dwell by the others who oppress them. Remind yourself of what's important; see it, feel it and then get back to your desk.
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